I’m trying to stay calm and take it one step at a time, but I can’t help but wonder where my life is going. I don’t really feel like creating another rap song for the time being, I have lots of ideas for content but I don’t really feel like making them, I want to try standup comedy but the thought of sitting down and trying to write jokes is torture. And how does one even start an acting career?
My mom says now that I’m no longer studying, she won’t support me financially anymore. What a bitch! Nah but for real, I need to get a part time job so I can keep doing the things I want to do without my bank account continuously depleting. I don’t really want to work, but at the same time it might be nice, to go somewhere where I’m needed, doing some work that’s actually tangible and has some effect on other people’s lives, no matter how small. I could be a barista maybe?
I applied for a job organising academic events at a university. It seems pretty chill, I like organising events and it’s not the high pressure corporate environment I’m running away from. It might turn out to be a fun Good Enough Job.
I wonder sometimes if a life under the spotlight is even for me. Maybe I’d be happier if I just had a close group of friends to hang out with and go on vacations with, and just took a boring but chill day job, and spent a lot of time doing things that didn’t really matter but were fun to do. It would take the pressure off, at least. There’s so much pressure.
Right now, I have to edit a video I was paid to make. I kind of regret signing up for this, because video editing, while a form of art I adore, is a torturous process. So many little decisions to make, so many options, and you’re constantly confronted with the mistakes you made during the filming process. It’s a bit better when you’re not the subject of the video, but still. I wish I just had a good editor, but I’m super picky, because I need someone who actually has a sense of flow and storytelling, and I don’t really trust anyone with my thoughts, but how can I release things to the public if I can’t even show it to one person?
Allright, now let’s try to see if I can calm myself down instead of just working myself up. I’m good. I have money. I have two parents who each own a house and no siblings. I have a diploma. I have skills. I have a few good friends. I don’t owe anyone anything. I don’t have to be famous to live a good life. I’m sitting outside and the sun is kissing my chest. There’s a parrot a few houses down and my mom seems to be communicating with him by whistling silly tunes.
I guess there’s worse places to be sitting to edit a video.