Another day, another wordvomit. I’m currently on vacation, or should I say ‘vacation’ in Mallorca. I’m by myself, and it’s causing me a lot of anxiety. I constantly fall into bouts of loneliness, melancholy and longing in between the short bursts of relaxation and optimism. I set out on this trip knowing that all of this could happen, and I set my intentions accordingly: to not fall victim and just enjoy my trip. But of course nothing went according to plan.
It’s not like I haven’t enjoyed myself, I’ve seen some beautiful sights, read some amazing books and had some interesting conversations. But every beautiful sight I saw, I felt like I should exploit it to create something for the vlog I’m making of the trip, resulting in even more anxiety rather than just being present in the moment and enjoying the view. No matter what I try, my mind does not want to let things go. Should I just have given up on the vlog and decided not to film anything? No, because sometimes I get a burst of energy that tells me: you need to have this on camera. And I actually enjoy filming it. But then I start worrying again about how I’m going to tie this into the overall story, and I’m off again.
I suspect that most of my problems would be solved if I wasn’t traveling alone, if I had someone with me who was down with the vlog and having a good time. Someone I could talk to to relieve my anxiety, to brainstorm ideas, to set up cool shots, to just have fun. Ever since I started creating, this has been what I wanted. To have someone to do it with. I’ve considered hiring people, asking random people on the street to help me, doing it alone, but none of them have worked. The only thing I haven’t tried is actually partnering up with someone. Going all in on something with someone where we’re both on the same level. But the problem is, I don’t know if anyone is on my level. I have crazy expectations and the idea of teaching someone what I want sounds exhausting (for me and for them).
There is one person in my life who I feel I could partner with, my friend Louis. He has been there through thick and thin for me, he has helped me film some important moments in my life, and he has ambitions of being a creator himself. We host a podcast together, which is a source of great joy in my life, and we make eachother better. But I don’t know if it’s enough. He has no training in videography or storytelling (although neither do I, really, but at least I’ve had a bunch of practice). He doesn’t have the same life security I do, which means he’s really busy all the time working to get an income, while I’m pretty much free to do whatever the fuck I want with my life. We live in different cities, which means it’s hard to find moments to get together. I hope I can convince him to move in with me when his lease ends.
But will I regret partnering at some point? I’m afraid to let go of my independence, and I think it’s a valid concern, but I also fear that if I never let go of my independence, I will just keep falling into the same old traps. I know deep down that solo creating is the worst. I set out to create to live a more interesting life, not to isolate myself from the world.
There’s so many other options available to me. Stop film school and study acting. Work in a bar so I can finally fix my social skills and stop being lazy. Start working for another creator. Stop trying to make films and videos and work on writing. Try stand-up comedy. Try singing in a band. Try to get my Minecraft server out of the gutter so I can get my income back and live off of that for the rest of my life. Or go back to being a management consultant. Just kidding, I burnt that bridge when I quit and broadcasted it to the internet. And if I’m sure of anything, it’s that I never want to have an office job again. Fuck that and fuck Boston Consulting Group.
That’s the first time I mention them publicly because back when I made my video quitting, I didn’t think they deserved to be outed for anything. They hadn’t done anything wrong, the job just wasn’t for me. But some shit has happened since, a story I would very much like to tell, but since it doesn’t involve just me, I’ll sit on it for a while. What I can say is that corporate environments like BCG suck the soul out of everyone who works there, and the career path is designed so that you are stuck in an inescapable treadmill. They lure young people in with the promise of a prestigious career, but in reality they are not much better than slave owners, just more subtle.
Maybe that’s a bit harsh, I know there’s some good people in the company, but the story I know tells me that if you’re not careful, you will fall into the hands of some horrible people. They will exploit you and then throw you by the side of the road, never batting an eye. And in some ways you might think that’s okay, because they’re sort of up front about it. That’s how the system works. That’s how most systems work. But this system in particular has a way of skewing incentives and making people do bad things.
What happened wasn’t even that big of a deal really, but since it happened to someone else instead of me, and since it’s partially my fault, I feel really guilty about it. I feel like I ruined this person’s future. Ruined is overdramatic, and this person doesn’t blame me at all, but I know that if it wasn’t for me, they would still be working there. Maybe I did them a favor? I don’t know. But that person is out of my life now and I miss them. I wish I could go back and make different choices, but I know I can’t. All I can do is try to make better choices from now on. And I hope that one day I get to fuck over BCG bigtime. I’m not sure if revenge is the best option, but whatever. I think it would be fun. I do need to forgive myself, but I don’t think I’m there yet. Actually, I’ve already forgiven myself, I even have a video forgiving myself. But I still feel guilty. What’s that about?
Back to my vacation. I have a few more days until I fly back to Belgium. Tomorrow, I’m going to the northernmost point of the island, to a sick lighthouse towering over a peninsula. It should make for some awesome views. Maybe I’ll put the drone on the sky. I think I can enjoy it. I will enjoy it. I might still be plagued a bit by my emotions, but I’ll have a good time as well. Both things can be true I guess.